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Cap'n Gin | Admin
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This is a quick essay (30 minute or so) essay I am doing for my English Comp. class. I want to know anything that can use some work or just general ideas on it.

Thanks in advance. Also, before you're like "OMG, you suck", it's my first real essay, so fuck you. :D


Edit: Spacing paragraphs since phpBB won't do it for me.

Edit 2: Fixed mistake.

I have little memory of my time in the humid, scorching heat of the Florida coast. The faint murmur of the surf going in and out plays gently in the back of my head as I remember my youth. My time spent there would be all too short, soon whisked away to a land of iced streets and rows of seemingly endless corn. The transition would change me; by introducing me to a different culture, it would define who I am, and what I like. It was the start of my new life.

Mornings, even back then, were lost on me. Waking up to see the sun’s harsh rays beating down through the sheer, fluttering window cover was something I met with dread. There were no happy bird songs in Florida, that is, outside the shrill ‘Caw!’ of a passing seagull. Looking back, I remember the look over the ocean that my Grandmother’s loft awarded me. The morning sun beat down on the pavement with an almost conscious effort, turning the stone hot and uninviting.

It was summer, and thus especially hot. I took a shower; a cold one that swept down my body like tiny frozen snakes, pooling on the shower floor. Maybe due to the heat of the outside world, or something inherent in me, I enjoyed the shower. I felt a sort of kinship in the cold shiver it gave me, a release of sorts. I did not know then how much I would truly enjoy a cold, damp climate, but I was soon to find out.

Up until the move, I had mainly lived with my Grandmother in her condo. I enjoyed being with her, though her views were somewhat dated. She carried herself remarkably well for a woman in her 60’s, having the virile energy of women half her age. However, old as she was, she was also set in her ways and her routine was a thing of a dominating nature. My mom, on the other hand, was always away from me, doing something somewhere. I felt as if I missed her, but I think now I missed having a mother figure. She was the one who would take me away from my sunny home and take me to the down-to-earth town of Warrensburg.

The trip itself was somewhat fast and not in the least bit exciting. Staring out the window as countless trees, fences, and eventually cows passed by, I lost myself in thought, wondering what this new place will hold for me. It didn’t take long for me to feel the cooler climate of the Midwest as we came closer to our destination. Rain, like I had never before seen, splashed against the window of our aging red Volkswagen, sometimes forming images akin to those you’d see in the clouds during a clear blue sky. I watched these endlessly, as only someone with ADD could do, as I thought up wonderful stories to go with the images. Fighting robots, dinosaurs of old, people I knew in Florida, they all appeared to me over time. It was my only real escape from the droll of the long trip.

We had to stay in motels, as one would rightly assume, and being on a tight budget, all of them stank of cigarette smoke and felt abandoned, if only slightly. My mom and I shared a room, and at times, a bed, depending on just how accommodating the situation was. I’d lose myself in the cable TV as my mom went out to the local super markets to find supplies and such. There was always a bit of excitement as we went to bed, knowing we were one day closer to a new life in a new place. Sleep, most of the time, was hard to reach.

Finally arriving in Warrensburg, I instantly felt that I belonged, as far as the climate went. The cool air rustled my medium length, light brown hair as we stepped out of our car and up to the trailer that would become our home for the next few years. It was weird, this trailer; a house on wheels, yet capable as anything I saw in Florida. The neighbors we had were few, most of them were dirt poor and it showed. It wasn’t uncommon to see the men coming out with no shirts, their beer bellies hanging deftly over there too-tight Levi’s. It was strange, it was different, but in the end, it was home.

A few months passed, as if a blur, and winter was among us. My fascination with the white powder known as ‘snow’ would soon turn to regret as the start of the school season approached. Going to school before had been a listless chore - but it had become an adventure! The roads were paved in ice, shining in the morning sun, much like the Yellow Brick road would be if brought to reality. It was fascinating to me to see the various objects held fast beneath this clear prison as I waited for the bus to arrive. When the bus finally did arrive, it was like being thrown into an unruly jungle, but I was used to that back in Florida so I paid it no attention. It was something that I had to experience… something that helped me grow as the school year passed.

The school year itself was fast, and soon came the rip roar of summer, and with that the sticky, harsh heat that made me remember all the days sweating on the sidewalk in Daytona Beach. The local people would often laugh at my over-sensitivity to what they thought was a mild, warm day. I spent most of my summer indoors, thankful that the trailers cooling system was adequate, if not great, and that I had TV to watch to keep me occupied. Being poor, we didn’t have cable and thus only had 4 channels to watch. They were, in order: Fox, NBC, PBS, and ABC. Somehow I was able to fill my entire day with these limited offerings, content that I had something new to watch everyday.

The various things I experienced, the people I met, the knowledge I learned helped change my outlook on life. Even before I knew of the allure of the cooler climate and the white snow, I knew I did not fit where I had been. Perhaps it was fate that brought me to a climate of happiness, I can’t say, but it felt natural as anything ever had before. Looking back, I wonder if I have forgotten things, but I feel deep down that I know what really mattered. I am happy to be where I am.


Wed Jan 26, 2005 3:12 am
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Very interesting essay. Good job. :D

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 6:13 am
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Not bad. It can be a nice entry for a blog anytime :)

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:16 am
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This will be a bit out of order:

"I watched these endlessly, as only someone with ADD could do, as I thought up wonderful stories to go with the images"

Run-on sentence

It is better phrased as:

"I watched these endlessly, as only someone with ADD could doa I thought up wonderful stories to go with the images I saw in my mind."




Next:



" However, old as she was, she was also set in her ways and her routine was a thing of a dominating nature "


You were contrasting the sentence preceeding this one, however the sentence is formed as if it is contrasting itself. You can also omit the last a; it is redundant. Doesn't matter either way though. It is better phrased as:

" However, despite her youthful vigor, she was also set in her ways as you'd expect an old woman to be, and her routine was a thing of dominating nature"


Next:

"Staring out the window as countless trees, fences, and eventually cows passed by"

You don't need to comma between "fences" and "and" The and implies the pause.



Next:

"When the bus finally did arrive, it was like being thrown into an unruly jungle, but I was used to that back in Florida so I paid it no attention."


Almost a run-on sentence. You can make the flow a bit better by adding in a break.

"When the bus finally did arrive, it was like being thrown into an unruly jungle. I was used to that back in Florida, however, so I paid it no attention."



Note: These are just minor issues I see with the flow of the reading. I'm not chiding you. None of them are a big deal.

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:29 am
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soulmata wrote:
Stuff.


No worries, I did ask for help on improving it as a whole.

"I watched these endlessly, as only someone with ADD could doa I thought up wonderful stories to go with the images I saw in my mind."


Is that 'a' supposed to be a period?


Wed Jan 26, 2005 2:54 pm
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Somewhat related to the topic. I hear you're pursuing a chemistry major Magus`, what's the deal with that?

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 3:01 pm
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Well, it's always interested me since like... late middle school.

Everyone says it's cause of CSI, but, I don't WATCH CSI. I've only seen one episode. Seems like a cool show, though.

Anyhow, the idea of working with my hands and using various tools and chemicals to do things is kind of... I dunno, I just like the idea. Outside that, couldn't really tell you.


Wed Jan 26, 2005 3:04 pm
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I got an impression of "purple prose" from the first few paragraphs. It is is if you are overly describing the scene just for the sake of it.


Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:04 pm
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It has to be descriptive. It's a requirment.


Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:36 pm
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Magus` wrote:
Everyone says it's cause of CSI, but, I don't WATCH CSI. I've only seen one episode. Seems like a cool show, though.

Except it's as close to reality as me when I'm high on sugar. :mrgreen:

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 4:57 pm
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grinvader wrote:
Magus` wrote:
Everyone says it's cause of CSI, but, I don't WATCH CSI. I've only seen one episode. Seems like a cool show, though.

Except it's as close to reality as me when I'm high on sugar. :mrgreen:

You so CRAZY!


Wed Jan 26, 2005 5:00 pm
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Magus` wrote:
Well, it's always interested me since like... late middle school.

Anyhow, the idea of working with my hands and using various tools and chemicals to do things is kind of... I dunno, I just like the idea. Outside that, couldn't really tell you.

This is one reason I asked. The impression I've gotten is that you don't really know too well what a chemistry class is about. Did you take any chem courses in highschool before you dropped out?

There's remarkably little hands on work, if you aren't good at math, and haven't learned at least basic precalculus level math; like quadratic functions and so on, you're going to have a lot of problems.

I wish you luck, but I just thought I'd give you the heads up that chemistry does not consist of experiment after experiment, it's hardcore mathematics.

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 7:35 pm
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Math has never been a problem for me, though I'll need to relearn a lot of shit.


Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:14 pm
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