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Rate this Essay! Part Deux 

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Rate this Essay! Part Deux 
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Cap'n Gin | Admin
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I was told to rewrite my original essay to better build on some things (and leave other things out). Here is the new one:

One would assume, as it is one’s nature to do so, that home is where one was born. We often hear stories of people who miss the ‘natural’ and ‘homelike’ feeling of their place of birth. But what if one’s home was one thousand miles away, in a different climate, with different people? This is what I learned as I experienced my childhood move from the warm, often hot, climate of Florida to the cool, moist atmosphere of central Missouri. I could not have known then, as I know now, what a change of scene might do.

Florida, the Sunshine State, was my place of birth and was also my home for seven years. I often lived by the sea in the care of my loving, yet set in her ways, grandmother. She read to me as a child, helped make me love it, and for that I remember her best. Every morning when I got up she would have food ready for me as I got ready for the bus ride to school. She had the curious habit of mixing various cereals together, something which I still find strange today. I didn’t look forward to eating these strange concoctions, but I didn’t complain out of respect and perhaps adolescent fear. I grew accustomed to this lifestyle, thinking it was the way it was meant to be. She always showed me love, but at the same time it didn’t feel like the love of a mom, but the love of someone who is naturally caring for others.

My mom, on the other hand, visited now and then to see how I was doing. She was a busy woman, always on the go, trying to survive as best as one could. She, unlike me, liked the warm climate – something that made me feel as if I was wrong for disliking the high heat of the summer days. She was often working, doing part time job after part time job, never quite finding her place in the mainstream business world. Perhaps this was why she decided to move back to her old home of Warrensburg and take up a new, if familiar, life there. I sometimes wonder why she took me with her; perhaps she felt that it was her duty as a mom.

We left in the middle of the summer, taking the few things we had with us in our beaten down, crimson shaded Volkswagen and headed west on the highway. I would make a habit of watching the yellow line, or line segments, in the middle of the road as we continued on and on, wondering how they got there, and why they existed. Soon, the areas changed from dense urban jungles to open fields and mountains; the air, once hot and muggy, was now soft and cool with a gentle breeze. Uniform sidewalks would give way to dirt paths and mid-80’s hipsters would be replaced with sun worn farmers, their skin as weathered as the leather on their belts. I waved, as children do, at anyone who I thought would wave back and would always smile a big smile when a wave was returned with a smile on their own faces. The people felt friendlier the further we went, and I began to feel more at ease and, eventually, at home.

It didn’t seem like any time before we pulled up to our new psychical home for the first time. It was a rather large, if drab trailer with the sunlight reflecting off it in brilliant shades of yellow and orange. I even thought for a time that it glowed at night, but I think perhaps that was just the pale moon’s reflection. The trailer was much different than the condo I had once lived in, for, it felt dated and somewhat hokey. The shower heated much slower than the condo’s, the kitchen used much older appliances, and it felt more compressed in general. I learned to manage though – mastered the antiquated gas stove and trained myself to wait ten seconds as the water heated in the shower. I was luckily a small child and the small nature of the trailers inside would never become a concern.

The trailer was off the beaten path, to be sure, and near it were various natural wonders such as a seemingly endless creek and lush wildlife, filled with snakes and snails and other things with tails. I studied these creatures, wondering why I had never seen such fantastic things in Florida. All I could remember were the fast and skittish geckos that seemed to be on every other leaf of some tree or bush. Compared to them, these new animals were amazing and wondrous and I spent many days and weeks studying their every movement and duty. I lost myself in the surroundings as I studied them, often times having whole days go by as I watched my little friends intently.

The biggest change would occur later, as summer passed into a chilling early winter frost. I would often bundle myself up in several layers of clothing, much to the enjoyment of the neighbors child, Cody. A Missouri native, he was no stranger to cold weather and would often point out that I must be a “chicken if you can’t take the cold!” as he would sit in faded Levi’s with dirt all over his face and hands. He had casualness about him that one might attribute to lack of an education, and it certainly seemed so with his failure to grasp even the simplest of math and reading. I felt he was my complete opposite in every way, and he was also my first friend there.

My mom was in school, but she was also working full time. Often times she would work several jobs, doing grunt work and such in order to pay our bills. At first, I wasn’t sure how to relate to this woman who I had barely known before. She wasn’t like my grandmother; she didn’t like to cook, her rules were less than strict, and she had a love of animals that my grandmother never showed. Animals, in fact, were what our common bond through those first few years became. We took to rodents, in particular, and had several furry little rats then and still do, to this very day. It was through her, and our animals, that I felt like I finally had a family and a place that I felt comfortable in.

I could not have known that a small thousand mile trip would help me feel more at home, more alive than I had ever been before. I was worried that leaving the home I grew up in that I would be lonely and miserable and sad. It took the feel of cool air on my cheeks, the feel of a rat’s soft fur, the slight drawl of a farmer’s voice to make me realize I was in the home I never knew I had. Fate, real or not, could not have done better.


Last edited by Magus` on Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:27 am, edited 1 time in total.



Wed Jan 26, 2005 9:17 pm
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You do realize that by putting your WIP Essay online in a public forum, your Professor may consider it already published, and nail you for academic dishonesty.

You might want to run this by your professor before going any further.


Wed Jan 26, 2005 10:21 pm
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Hmm, after reading it, I felt the same way you did when you moved into a new place.

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 10:38 pm
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Very nice.

Just two things, I would've used the word mother instead of mom, but that's just me. The second one: in the second to last paragraph, it says "...and she had a love of animals..." Shouldn't it be a love for animals?

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Wed Jan 26, 2005 11:26 pm
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Cap'n Gin | Admin
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funkyass wrote:
You do realize that by putting your WIP Essay online in a public forum, your Professor may consider it already published, and nail you for academic dishonesty.

You might want to run this by your professor before going any further.


*Shrug* If that's argued, I can always rewrite it yet again.


Thu Jan 27, 2005 2:52 am
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It is a much better essay than the last.
Just a few suggestions.
In the opening sentence, the word "one" is over used and reads kind of strange.
In paragraph four, you describe the Volkswagon. I think you should leave out the "crimson shaded" bit. it sounds like you are throwing it in for the sake of being descriptive and it sounds out of place. I think that the just "the beaten down Volkswagon" sounds more natural.
I think that this is really nice and well written. You should be proud.


Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:52 pm
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what's the prompt?

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Sat Jan 29, 2005 10:59 am
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Could use a little less fluff wording and more abstract visualization to make the flow of the story a little less rough. I see one fact and then another without any analysis in between to link them together.


Fri Feb 04, 2005 9:18 am
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First off, your essay really works well. You have some great descriptions, if you can, as radio says, add some more variety to your discussion, it will definitely get a high grade.
picky, but some wording issues:

Paragraph 2: Got up -> awoke

Paragraph 3: change this sentence. "She was often working, doing part time job after part time job, never quite finding her place in the mainstream business world." to this "She was working successive part-time jobs, struggling to find her place in the busniess world.

Paragraph 4: change this "the few things we had with us" to "our possessions."
I would make a habit of watching the yellow line -> I habitually watched ...

Those couple of things can get you started. Think of ways to make your wording stronger and more concise. Rewording to eliminate words like "would" can make your essay sound much more professional.


Sun Feb 06, 2005 3:52 am
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